Monday, September 15, 2014

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

So guys are always complaining that women like the "bad boys" and that the "nice guys" of the world always finish last. Or, don't finish at all and get put in the friend zone.

While I don't agree that all women like boys with a bad streak, I do get the idea here. If guys are too nice, girls can be turned off. But if men are a bit mysterious, even rude, girls are intrigued.

Why is that? Why do women constantly complain about how men are assholes but choose to overlook the good guys anyway?

While I realize this is a complete generalization, here's my theory...

I don't think it's about IF you're a nice guy, I think the key is WHEN you're the nice guy.

Hear me out...

Several years ago I was "talking" with a guy that eventually ended up in a long term relationship. During the beginning, it's all fun and flirty and lighthearted. That's typical. No deep conversations, or life-changing decisions or long term commitments happen at the start. Because you're getting to know each other and having a good time without stressing about the future.

I remember one moment where said boy wrapped his arms around me from behind in a very loving way. It was very sweet. TOO sweet. I was confused. Normally, this is a gesture I would find very endearing. But why was I feeling like it was weird and wanted to break free ASAP??

I realized later what it was. To me that backwards hug thing is an embrace you do with someone you love. But I didn't love this guy yet. I wasn't there emotionally. So I didn't like it.

But months/years later when we WERE in a committed, loving relationship, I would have jumped for joy if he did that! But, as most women know, once the "new car smell" dies, those extra displays of emotion are usually out the door as well.

So I started thinking.. how backwards is that?? Men make such and effort to impress us at first, when they don't really need to go above and beyond. But once we are actually IN love, they stop, or make less of an effort.

Which leads me back to my theory about nice guys. It may just be me, but if a guy is super sweet and emotional right away when I meet him, it's a turn off. It comes across as cheesy or fake.

Do they just tell every girl they meet how beautiful they are? That's weird. It also makes it seem like they are trying way too hard.

Putting all of your emotions out there right away is a turn off because there is nothing left for us to discover. I would rather start a relationship and have a man slowly open up to me in confidence. That way I know he trusts me and wants to share things with me that he doesn't tell other people.

Plus, if someone tells you you're beautiful everyday, it loses it's za za zu. But if they randomly drop the beautiful bomb on you from time to time, it's still special.

So my point to this long-winded case is that you can be a nice guy. You can be a deep, emotional guy. But you have to get the timing right. Let the first few months be carefree and fun. Be kind and caring, but keep the personal stuff for later, when you both connect on a deeper level.

I'm not telling guys to be assholes, but tone down the emotions/eagerness/affection. It will mean so much more to a women for those things to be shared once she's in love with you.

Again, this is a generalization and biased towards my preferences. But, I'm convinced women really DO want to end up with nice guys. Who wouldn't? But, boys, you just have to work on your timing.

Timing is everything.

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  1. I think sometimes women want to date the 'bad boy' to be the one to change him, into the good and nice guy, which is silly. people rarely if ever change. they sometimes do, but at the heart guys are who they are, just like girls are who they are. Very interesting post to read, thanks for sharing.

    and yes, I agree, timing can be everything.

  2. I agree with this completely! Great post, Kali! :)

  3. I agree timing is everything. I tend to fall for the boys with a bad streak. But, honestly I think nice good men are really hard to find. They are rare these days or so it seems. I think taking it slow and getting to know someone is a good thing. And I don't understand why men or women want to jump into a relationship with someone they barely know. I would rather be friends with the guy first and get to know him. My last two relationships I was friends with them for over a year and those relationships lasted a very long time. If you get into it quickly it usually ends quickly.

  4. You are right. Every girl wants a nice guy secretly.

    The appealing point of a 'bad boy' is adventure, spontaneity, but it also comes with a price. Le Sighh~
    I feel like it also makes us girls feel powerful in a way if we do end up changing the bad boy OR it makes us feel really good that this 'bad boy' changed because of how much he loved us.


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